An alternate viewpoint from that level: An interesting journey you'll embark on (that I'm fully entrenched in now) is "The Other Side of Kids". I'm a decade older than you. My kids are in their 20s. My wife says my daughter and I share a brain we're so alike. Like your girls I was there for every school day, doctor visit, kids event, and so on. But they're starting their own journey now. As it should be.
We own our own business. Dialed in. Kinda easy to manage now. Requires little of me. Enough money's piled up. Good times by any measure. But...there's a hole, of sorts. It's not empty nest syndrome. Beyond that. Too young to retire. Tool old to join a little startup with the 20-somethings. The snap and crackle's faded, along with hunger and a libido. Replaced with peaceful contentment sans the occasional "Dad my car died at work" or "Honey this biz problem needs solving". Lost is the joy of victory in battle because, "What's the point now?". Consumerism ain't it. Bought a ranch so I spend time quietly hacking away at trees and clearing brush, thanking the Lord I'm not in commuter traffic on my way to a cubicle. Still, that internal battle between the glory of days gone by, the joy of raising the family, and the rewards of a life well lived persist. "I'm not dead yet!" True. But I have a nice enough view of the mountain top from here. No need to climb further.
First learned about self-sabotage / the will to fail in a book from 1936, Wake Up and Live by Dorothea Brande. She has a chapter on the rewards people get from failure:
"With not one thing competed, the acclaim you might have received, the enormous financial coup you might have brought off, the masterpiece you might have accomplished, can assume in your revery, and in the eyes of those who will accept your version of things, almost more importance than the real success would have had."
"The Unconscious dreads pain, humiliation, fatigue; it bends its efforts even more ceaselessly to the end of avoiding pain than it does to the procuring of positive pleasures. So we are faced with a fact which at once accounts for much of the inactivity, the inertia, to which we succumb at moments when positive action would be to our advantage: that rather than face the mere possibility of pain we will not act at all."
Self sabotage is certainly at play. I wonder if disillusionment plays a role, too. Unless you have a very wise mentor early on, most kids are fed lies about how to succeed. You then grow up and have some real world experience of losing the promotion to the guy who is dumber and lazier but has xyz connection with the boss or checks the HR box. that will definitely embitter you and make you look elsewhere for success.
Some of it also is you can only go so far on one skill set, to get next level you have to talent stack, which is much harder and practically selected against in your training, where most are encouraged to specialize far too early.
Anyway, as content and blessed and successful as I am, I’m still going for it, for now, so ask me again in five years and we’ll see how my copium tastes.
Success is usually defined for you when you’re young: good grades, more touchdowns, more money. As you mature the definitions appear more arbitrary: better office, nicer truck, prettier girlfriend. At some point success becomes merely prestige which is an entirely vaporous social construct. The lucky guys have kids around this time and the experience gives them new perspective. Prestige is no longer enough. In fact, it’s nothing at all. The only real impact you’ll ever have on humanity is your child. That’s what links you to the great and improbable chain of events that began when your rough Neanderthal ancestor caught the eye of your smart and pretty CroMag ancestor. Once that door is unlocked you can begin to find satisfaction in things that don’t make you any money or get you attention or have any material meaning. You’re a free man.
My two cents based on my own life is that aging simply wrings the ambition out of many men. When I was just out of law school, I wanted to prove myself, conquer the world, etc. Then I gradually slowed down and became your cigar store life. Eventually, I'll retire and read classic novels again. The circle of life is a real thing and doesn't mean you are self-sabotaging, just that you know you can't compete with 20 somethings. Same reason I stopped playing pick-up hoops.
It seems to me that most people have a baseline level of happiness and contentment that, unless actively worked on to surpass, only fluctuates mildly throughout life. Obviously major events, like the death of a loved one or a promotion at work, will cause a huge dip or spike on a temporary basis. But if you look at lotto winners, entrepreneurs, pro athletes, anyone who's had both lows and highs of money and relevance, the one thing that always shines through in the end is their personality.
I don't think this happiness value needs to be static. I think for the vast majority of us, myself included, it is. But there are ways, very difficult and long-term ways, to alter it for the better.
Self-sabotage is one symptom (the main symptom?) of declining to alter it.
As for enlightenment, I'd say that's the well-earned prize for those who've managed to boost it, to get beyond their false summit and actually get to the top of the mountain (or at least a higher, more scenic false summit :)).
How do you discern which is which? Well, I can't speak to the latter. But I can speak to the former: you just know. If you're honest with yourself, you just know. You know you're treading water. You know you're in a comfort zone. You know you're phoning it in. You know you're doing alright. But just alright.
Prescient and timely for me. Thanks Cerno. I haven’t hit my “number” nor have I achieved much of anything of great significance - such as writing novels, creating / selling businesses, producing beautiful music, etc etc.
Or, perhaps, I need some rewiring. I have fostered over a dozen young children, moved my and wife’s branch of family tree out of lower class, made and lost a small fortune in digital tokens, retired my wife at 30, and invested in the creation and distribution of small circle/1:1 Christ discipleship in broken communities - strengthening them one deep relationship at a time.
Understanding growth is not linear, I would appreciate from the group here on how to keep moving forward during the plateaus and the dips? I find the escapism during the plateau creeping in - gluttony, sloth, envy, among others - and I need to snap out of it.
Appreciate the opportunity to go inward, Cerno. Thanks for the push.
Hey Siesta - don't know how I ended up here a year after your comment....maybe you'll see this, maybe you won't. I don't have a clue as to how I ended up on this Cerno post, but here we are.
But know that you're not alone - by any measure, I myself have achieved anything and everything beyond my wildest dreams....yet there are plateaus and dips as well. I honestly don't even know where I'm going with this post, perhaps it's cathartic in a way - but I think plateaus/dips should be embraced. You have TWELVE kids in your history, each one no doubt has brought joy to your life. The times where we're feeling stale, things are plateauing.....those are the times to be embraced. Find a way to absolutely revel in the monotony of your day with your wife and children. With your family. Embrace the Groundhog Day nature of all of it, because there's beauty in it.
Anyone that fosters kids, brings family up and into another socioeconomic part of society, has a good heart. You have a great heart - from one stranger to another, best of luck on your journey, embrace the beautiful monotony of every day life.
Great article. Now that I have taken up playing tennis, I see it all the time in matches: players are winning, getting ahead, and then all of sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, they try a completely different strategy and lose. Even on the professional level, this exists. Kyrgios has played below his abilities for a long time and has even tanked matches, inexplicably. Maybe he was afraid he couldn't maintain a high ranking, so he sabotaged himself, to keep his ego intact. After all, he *could* have won those matches, right?
An alternate viewpoint from that level: An interesting journey you'll embark on (that I'm fully entrenched in now) is "The Other Side of Kids". I'm a decade older than you. My kids are in their 20s. My wife says my daughter and I share a brain we're so alike. Like your girls I was there for every school day, doctor visit, kids event, and so on. But they're starting their own journey now. As it should be.
We own our own business. Dialed in. Kinda easy to manage now. Requires little of me. Enough money's piled up. Good times by any measure. But...there's a hole, of sorts. It's not empty nest syndrome. Beyond that. Too young to retire. Tool old to join a little startup with the 20-somethings. The snap and crackle's faded, along with hunger and a libido. Replaced with peaceful contentment sans the occasional "Dad my car died at work" or "Honey this biz problem needs solving". Lost is the joy of victory in battle because, "What's the point now?". Consumerism ain't it. Bought a ranch so I spend time quietly hacking away at trees and clearing brush, thanking the Lord I'm not in commuter traffic on my way to a cubicle. Still, that internal battle between the glory of days gone by, the joy of raising the family, and the rewards of a life well lived persist. "I'm not dead yet!" True. But I have a nice enough view of the mountain top from here. No need to climb further.
First learned about self-sabotage / the will to fail in a book from 1936, Wake Up and Live by Dorothea Brande. She has a chapter on the rewards people get from failure:
"With not one thing competed, the acclaim you might have received, the enormous financial coup you might have brought off, the masterpiece you might have accomplished, can assume in your revery, and in the eyes of those who will accept your version of things, almost more importance than the real success would have had."
"The Unconscious dreads pain, humiliation, fatigue; it bends its efforts even more ceaselessly to the end of avoiding pain than it does to the procuring of positive pleasures. So we are faced with a fact which at once accounts for much of the inactivity, the inertia, to which we succumb at moments when positive action would be to our advantage: that rather than face the mere possibility of pain we will not act at all."
Self sabotage is certainly at play. I wonder if disillusionment plays a role, too. Unless you have a very wise mentor early on, most kids are fed lies about how to succeed. You then grow up and have some real world experience of losing the promotion to the guy who is dumber and lazier but has xyz connection with the boss or checks the HR box. that will definitely embitter you and make you look elsewhere for success.
Some of it also is you can only go so far on one skill set, to get next level you have to talent stack, which is much harder and practically selected against in your training, where most are encouraged to specialize far too early.
Anyway, as content and blessed and successful as I am, I’m still going for it, for now, so ask me again in five years and we’ll see how my copium tastes.
Success is usually defined for you when you’re young: good grades, more touchdowns, more money. As you mature the definitions appear more arbitrary: better office, nicer truck, prettier girlfriend. At some point success becomes merely prestige which is an entirely vaporous social construct. The lucky guys have kids around this time and the experience gives them new perspective. Prestige is no longer enough. In fact, it’s nothing at all. The only real impact you’ll ever have on humanity is your child. That’s what links you to the great and improbable chain of events that began when your rough Neanderthal ancestor caught the eye of your smart and pretty CroMag ancestor. Once that door is unlocked you can begin to find satisfaction in things that don’t make you any money or get you attention or have any material meaning. You’re a free man.
My two cents based on my own life is that aging simply wrings the ambition out of many men. When I was just out of law school, I wanted to prove myself, conquer the world, etc. Then I gradually slowed down and became your cigar store life. Eventually, I'll retire and read classic novels again. The circle of life is a real thing and doesn't mean you are self-sabotaging, just that you know you can't compete with 20 somethings. Same reason I stopped playing pick-up hoops.
It seems to me that most people have a baseline level of happiness and contentment that, unless actively worked on to surpass, only fluctuates mildly throughout life. Obviously major events, like the death of a loved one or a promotion at work, will cause a huge dip or spike on a temporary basis. But if you look at lotto winners, entrepreneurs, pro athletes, anyone who's had both lows and highs of money and relevance, the one thing that always shines through in the end is their personality.
I don't think this happiness value needs to be static. I think for the vast majority of us, myself included, it is. But there are ways, very difficult and long-term ways, to alter it for the better.
Self-sabotage is one symptom (the main symptom?) of declining to alter it.
As for enlightenment, I'd say that's the well-earned prize for those who've managed to boost it, to get beyond their false summit and actually get to the top of the mountain (or at least a higher, more scenic false summit :)).
How do you discern which is which? Well, I can't speak to the latter. But I can speak to the former: you just know. If you're honest with yourself, you just know. You know you're treading water. You know you're in a comfort zone. You know you're phoning it in. You know you're doing alright. But just alright.
Prescient and timely for me. Thanks Cerno. I haven’t hit my “number” nor have I achieved much of anything of great significance - such as writing novels, creating / selling businesses, producing beautiful music, etc etc.
Or, perhaps, I need some rewiring. I have fostered over a dozen young children, moved my and wife’s branch of family tree out of lower class, made and lost a small fortune in digital tokens, retired my wife at 30, and invested in the creation and distribution of small circle/1:1 Christ discipleship in broken communities - strengthening them one deep relationship at a time.
Understanding growth is not linear, I would appreciate from the group here on how to keep moving forward during the plateaus and the dips? I find the escapism during the plateau creeping in - gluttony, sloth, envy, among others - and I need to snap out of it.
Appreciate the opportunity to go inward, Cerno. Thanks for the push.
Hey Siesta - don't know how I ended up here a year after your comment....maybe you'll see this, maybe you won't. I don't have a clue as to how I ended up on this Cerno post, but here we are.
But know that you're not alone - by any measure, I myself have achieved anything and everything beyond my wildest dreams....yet there are plateaus and dips as well. I honestly don't even know where I'm going with this post, perhaps it's cathartic in a way - but I think plateaus/dips should be embraced. You have TWELVE kids in your history, each one no doubt has brought joy to your life. The times where we're feeling stale, things are plateauing.....those are the times to be embraced. Find a way to absolutely revel in the monotony of your day with your wife and children. With your family. Embrace the Groundhog Day nature of all of it, because there's beauty in it.
Anyone that fosters kids, brings family up and into another socioeconomic part of society, has a good heart. You have a great heart - from one stranger to another, best of luck on your journey, embrace the beautiful monotony of every day life.
Great article. Now that I have taken up playing tennis, I see it all the time in matches: players are winning, getting ahead, and then all of sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, they try a completely different strategy and lose. Even on the professional level, this exists. Kyrgios has played below his abilities for a long time and has even tanked matches, inexplicably. Maybe he was afraid he couldn't maintain a high ranking, so he sabotaged himself, to keep his ego intact. After all, he *could* have won those matches, right?