“He was the hardest man I know, what the f-ck?” A friend of mine texted me in disbelief after someone he served with committed suicide. In this case the man who ended his life was a Silver Star veteran with multiple combat deployments with special operations. That’s not the kind of man who kills himself, or is it?
Unfortunately he is. Suicide does not discriminate, and it’s often the hardest men who break.
Something I’ve learned from men far better than me is that the hardest men become hard due to childhood trauma. Child sexual abuse is a common theme. A little boy is molested. That will never happen to me again. So he becomes the strongest possible person he can be.
Trauma lingers. It’s repressed. The strongest men in the world are walking with deeply injured little boys.
That’s why I often talk about “real men don’t cry” and try to push against those outdated conversations. Even though many consider me as having “toxic masculinity.” If you find irony amusing, then that’s a cosmic joke.
I’ve seen men far stronger than any internet macho man break down in tears once they’ve confronted the truth of what they went through.
You are not that tough, none of us are, we have human hearts and divine sparks.
“You can talk about anything because they destroyed you, what a blessing.”
Friend are offended by the terrible lies that have been told about me. It bothers my wife the most. “Why don’t they know you’re a good person. Why don’t they know the real you!?” Sometimes I would have self-pity. One particular experience put that in perspective.
“You have been destroyed, that’s why you can talk about plant medicines. No one will think it’s crazy, because people already think you’re crazy. You can open conversations up that others can’t. What an incredible blessing.”
How true? If I were seen as legitimate, what could I say? I’d be in what Scott Adams calls a “mental prison.” Be careful or else people might use what you say against you. They might judge you. Don’t step outside of the cage of socially constructed normality.
After opening up with my own experiences, many credible people reached out in confidence to thank me. “I can’t speak openly about this, my investors would flip out,” is a common theme.
Recently Peter Attia (never been in contact, so not taking credit here) opened up about his childhood trauma.
I’ve been telling everyone to read the last chapter of his book.
Attia is way more successful than I am. Probably more successful than anyone reading this.
He became successful to run from trauma. On his Rich Roll podcast, he mentions that one of the most nefarious coping mechanism is professional and financial success.
Everyone says you’re great. You’re perfect!
We say our trauma made us. We may even say it’s good it happened to us.
Would we want our children to experience what we did?
How many of us are walking around with broken little children in our hearts?
How often does this repression sabotage our relationships?
“Real men don’t cry?” They run from their emotions.
Dozens of nasty people have already “made fun” of me for this article I wrote yesterday.
People will try to use your vulnerability against you, or make jokes about it. What a gift that so much worse is said about me. Imagine thinking you can get to me because my heart tells me to expose myself to show others they aren’t alone.
Yes I cry like a baby sometimes. I cried when writing that article. Maybe ask why you are afraid to cry.
Sitting with yourself.
Men fear emotions, so we live in Ego and Rage. That’s how we run from ourselves.
I had to learn that when pain came up, let it flow through.
The Only Way Out is Through.
It hurts. I feel pain every day. Do I play a tough guy act and repress it? That’s what men are told to do.
Or do I “sit with it.” Let my body shake. Let the tears open up.
Learning to sit with your emotions opens up your heart. It resets your central nervous system.
“Grow the size of your heart.”
This hurts too much, I said. I can’t handle this.
“Then grow the size of your heart.”
Our broken hearts can never be put back together, and that’s not what’s supposed to happen.
We find a way to grow the size of our hearts. The trauma remains but takes up less space.
Fundraising to stop veterans suicide.
In 2021 I held a fundraiser for VETS.
Our mission is to end the veteran suicide epidemic by providing resources, research, and advocacy for U.S. military veterans seeking psychedelic-assisted therapies for traumatic brain injury (TBI), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), addiction, and other health conditions.
We envision a world where our veterans have access to the most advanced healthcare options to heal from the mental and physical wounds of war.
We raised over $100,000, including my matching contribution.
VETS saves lives.
We will be supporting a fundraiser this year as well.
Times are tough and this isn’t some guilt trip. That’s not how I operate. I keep my writing 99.999% free because I don’t ever want money to come between the message and people who need it.
You’re not alone. It’s OK to feel sad. Every person you’re told to look up to, unless they are sociopaths, are carrying around a great weight. There’s inner turmoil and pain.
Be a good friend to others, and more importantly, treat yourself like you would a close friend.
If you’re able to and feel called to, please check out the work they are doing.
Mike, you just keep taking risks and helping all of us out here who read you. I've been following your character arc for years and have learned so much. Always dynamic, never static!
In a word, the human tendency is to project our internal demons onto external symbols, which we then rush to do battle with. But as we vanquish external enemies and convince ourselves that we are basking in great victory, the true enemy, the one inside our defense perimeter, walks right up behind us and cuts our throat.