Raising Daughters

What I tell / will teach my daughters

Even though men and women have biological differences, sons and daughters generally desire the same outcomes in life. And those desires aren’t much different from what you as a mother or father or single adult want.

Above all else, children want your attention. This is true of sons and daughters.

My life is work and family. I don’t watch games. I see my friends and you need to keep up male friendships. If you’re a dad, you need to be around.

And the best part is that your children hold you to such low standards. You are so cool to them. This changes for some. I always liked my dad and didn’t have a lot of the problems other people did. For example you’ll often hear older parents say, “Wait until your kids _____.”

Maybe. My dad didn’t have that problem. I loved the guy and spent time with him. Maybe you were not an involved parent when they were young? Who knows.

You gotta put your time in with your kids when they are younger. You should hopefully enjoy this yourself. Unless you’re defective, it’ll be the best time of your life.

That’s why I don’t overthink how to parent my daughters, and mostly treat them the same with some exceptions.

Both of my girls who are old enough to train are doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

We hike, ride bikes, and lift weights together. We talk a lot. Children have rich inner lives and even as 4 years olds, they have a social structure.

You’re a coach as much a parent.

I don’t view myself as the Parent who lords over helpless kids. Their growth is a collaborative process. They teach me about my own triggers and weaknesses. Remember that your children are magic mirrors, they’ll reveal your soul.

My oldest daughter is like me, for good and bad. She’s hard on herself, has some negative self-talk, and sometimes spirals. We coach her through these moments using mindset techniques similar to my book on mindset.

Her younger sister, nicknamed the “racoon” or “pick-pocket,” is always sneaking around and she can’t do any wrong in her own eyes. We coach her differently and try to instill a sense of accountability and responsibility. We don’t need to reinforce these lessons as much with big sister, as she’s punishes herself. We have to let big sister know that it’s not a big deal (usually).

Some general advice I’d tell all of my daughters.

You’re probably going to want kids, even if you don’t think you will want them. (This is also true of men, in spades, but let’s keep it on topic.) You should start from this as the base of your pyramid. You’re going to want children. That means you’ll need adequate financial resources, paternal involvement, and ideally extended family. Once you understand this, then you’ll have a rational framework for dating. Marry a devoted man who comes from a high functioning family. Notice the problem. Rationality.

Don’t get an abortion. That’s not be judgy or calling you a sinner. Most women deeply regret this choice, as time moves on, you reach a certain age, and then are forced with a despairing reality: This is what I gave up motherhood for?

The man who is fun and exciting might not be the ideal father. This is something you’ll always struggle with. If you marry a boring man, you’ll resent him and then pick at him. If you marry an exciting party bro from Coachella, he’s going to be sneaking around behind your back. It would be nice if you could perfectly calibrate a man by moving levers up and down. A little daring without being too reckless. Men don’t work that way, nor do women. You’re going to make tradeoffs.

You need to be honest with yourself and hold yourself accountable for the way you treat your spouse. In As Good as It Gets, the main character, played by Jack Nicholson, writes insightful books about women. When asked how he’s able to understand the female mind, he retorts, “I think of a man. Then I take away reason and accountability.” That’s obviously unfair because women are as calculating as men. I have noticed that many women, and men as they’ve become less masculine, struggle with asking, “Am I the problem?” Raising high consciousness daughters means mom and dad need to reflect on their own behavior, too.

Don’t waste your twenties. A woman psychologist wrote an excellent book describing this. It’s called The Defining Decade. In her practice she notes that women have it together but ignore the math. They’ll say things like, “I’ll start looking for a husband when I’m 28.” That seems reasonable. 28 is still young enough.

What this therapist does is help people push back the timeline. If you start looking at 28, how long will it take to find Mr. Right? How many years until you’re married? Then having children? Suddenly 28 seems somewhat late to the game. Maybe start looking sooner. The point isn’t that a woman has to get married in college. Just think about it.

Keep some money in your name only. My daughters already have some cash set aside by me. They don’t have enough to be deadbeats, but they’ve been given more than enough to take care of themselves. This money will be theirs, kept on the sidelines. That’s by Dad's orders. No man would have a problem with this. It’s a deal-breaker if he does.

When I started dating my wife, I had her set up a Roth IRA and made sure she maxed it out each year she was eligible.

Reject the secular world. I personally believe God should be the center of the home. If this is happening, then the husband is submitting to God, to rules of the universe. He’s not following secular trends. He won’t lose his mind to red pill podcasts. He’ll be in touch with the eternal. My daughters will ideally be the same, although you can’t control this. God gave us free will.

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